When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
