It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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