Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
