I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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