so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
