sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
