what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
