i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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