I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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