the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
