Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
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