so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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