I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
