Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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