I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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