I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
