I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
