I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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