had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Randomize
