I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
