Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
