Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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