god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
