textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
