hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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