Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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