They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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