I faked an abortion last night.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
