I'd wear matching sweaters with you
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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