Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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