My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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