i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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