Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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