i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I FOUND THE LEGS
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I want a musical about memes.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
