I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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