I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
