the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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