I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
