I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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