If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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