I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
