Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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