Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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