It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
