I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
