The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Randomize
