Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
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