All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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