you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
