Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Randomize
