Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
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